When “Precious Snowflakes” Grow Up And Write Public Policy on “Slam Dancing”

Apparently having solved all other other problems in Boston, except of course their ridiculous politics,  the Boston Police officials have cited a House of Blues venue for allowing pot-smoking no, I mean public sex… wait, not that either?  How about public drunkeness?  Rats. Oh, right.  Rap music was becom… no?   Well then what?

Oh, right.  “Slam Dancing”.   What?  I haven’t even HEARD that term in 10 years.

Holy PMRC REVIVAL, Batman!     

When did this happen?  Did someone renew Tipper Gore’s relevance and press credentials by suggesting that “ROCK MUSIC IS BAD FOR YOU”?   Funny, I don’t remember any songs about massage therapists in rock music.   At least with rock stars, the girls said, “YES” without filing charges for soliciting “professional courtesies”.

I have four points.   On how STUPID this is.

First of all, it’s not “Slam Dancing”, it’s called “moshing”.    I don’t say this just to split hairs.  There’s a significant difference.  It’s an unwritten rule that you don’t hurt people by expressing yourself.  And if you do, you usually end up getting hurt by someone who saw you hurting person #1.    Someone calling “Moshing” something like “Slam Dancing” is like someone calling “sexual intercourse” something like “hip assaulting” or “body battery and abuse”.    There’s a purpose and an art to one, and a derogatory, uninformed intent to the others.

Second of all, it’s usually non-violent anyway.   Even Metallica mosh pits aren’t any more hardcore or body jolting than your worst ride at Six Flags, and thousands of concerts and millions of fans have “survived the pit”, and worn it as some sort of badge.  Okay, it’s juvenile, fine.  Is that it?   They’re kids.  Relax and let them have accomplished something.  This is still far more meaningful than some school equality mandated “participation award” for being there, which snowflakes parents are notorious for.  Moshing – and you’ll never believe this is allowed – is an experience to these kids that doesn’t conform to the public school policy of “no touching” and “zero tolerance”, and that just has to drive some parents NUTS.   Maybe this “Woah, I did it!” attitude kids receive from the experience is the kind of perception that blows it out of proportion,  and makes people think that there was a real danger in the first place.   In the 60’s, they danced as if they were floating into their translucent flapping arms while stepping in circles to bongo drums.   This is just your whole body exerting energy to music.  If you’re going to say that THOSE people didn’t touch each other while dancing, well, then I present Exhibit A:  Woodstock, 1969.  Eat it, haters.  Some people close to my age exist today as the result of THAT rock concert.
(applause, takes a bow)

Here’s some arrested reality from a poster at a Pearl Jam concert:

Yes, that riff at the beginning of  Pearl Jam’s “Betterman” always possesses me into pushing people around in a violent frenzy!  Here’s a sample. Try not to injure those in the next cubicle, please. 

Third, more people will die on the way home from a concert from drunk driving than will be killed by dancing.  More people will overdose in a venue from drugs than will be injured from “slaaaaam daaaaancing”.   More people will pass out from public drunkeness in a venue’s bathroom, depositing the cheap well liquor into nearly the same quality and bacteria-count container it came from.  Isn’t that against the law?

Ha.  “Aggressive Antics”.   For real?  You could have totally gone all the way with, “NO CROWD SURFING SHENANIGANS!”  And “NO BEER BOTTLE BUFFOONERY and ASANINE ASSAULT FLIM-FLAMMING or STAGE HOPPING HIJINKS either!!”. 

Finally, if you’re a neglected type who dislikes being brushed against by any human touch by being brushed up against, pushed from behind, or squashed in the middle or in any way disturbed, THERE ARE OPTIONS.   If you want away from all that nonsense, then purchase a ticket with a seat.  THERE! PROBLEM SOLVED!  You have your own guaranteed elbow room, assuming the person behind you doesn’t projectile vomit his Bud Light into your precious, personal “Me Space”, reserved all for you and surrounding invisible seat barrier  (and if you’re snobby and that happens, you had it coming!).  If you want to be standing in a crowd of people, then understand, as with any crowd of people pushing together, that nobody wants to get hurt, but that IS THE PLACE for people to express themselves, and pushing is part of the territory.   And keep your eyes on the stage, since things like albums, shirts, drumsticks or people might fly out at any given time.  For us regular concert goers, when we see this happen, we put our arms up and catch them so that they don’t hit the floor.  We don’t always LIKE to, but you JUST DO IT.   Again, that “courtesy” thing that we apparently we “slam dancers” don’t have:

You know what else is dangerous?  Baseballs getting hit into large crowds.  Golf balls that might go into crowds.  Why don’t you ban such “dangers” in the sports world?

And lighten up, people.  Those around you will appreciate it.   For you snowflakes whose ideal world is almost attainable, I have some bad news for you.   People around you will probably have body odor by the end of the night from sweating, moving, excitement from seeing their favorite bands, drinking a lot and the lack of air conditioning from hot amps and lots of people.   You’ll probably step in someone’s urine puddle.  Or worse.  Rock and Roll’s element of defiance sometimes does cross the line from “fun” to “unpleasant”.  Do yourself a favor and don’t let that dictate how your night goes.

I’m not a fan of smelly people either.  But I think if anything exists at a concert that I’d be concerned incites danger, it’s not dancing.  It’s the fact that I’d be around people whose sensibitilies are so strained and piqued that we might have to stop the show just to make sure you don’t cry and sue us for touching your precious virgin body, causing migraines, back injuries and internal bruising, among other injuries that only you can see and feel.

Here’s a movie I recommend for people who are afraid of others having fun:

Pick a side.  Snowflakes are welcome.  Just go with it and join us for a few hours.  It’s much easier.  And then you can go back to discussing with your friends about how life is full of danger that needs to be regulated.

Ironically, this will probably be a discussion over a fast food meal with your tattooed friends who drove there on a motorcycle or a smart car.



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